Commenting on someone else’s hygiene is one of the more delicate conversation topics. You are, after all, critiquing a person’s body and health habits. But it’s a thorny road to go down: Hygiene issues can stem from medical or even financial issues. “Someone with bad breath could have something going on with their dental work—maybe they can’t afford to go to the dentist, so they’re stuck with something in their mouth that’s making it not smell so good,” says Katie Moore, a clinical psychologist in Irvine, Calif.
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Is it worth risking the potential awkwardness and saying something? Context matters, Moore says: If you’re never going to see the person again, she recommends staying mum. But if it’s a close friend or partner, and a recurrent problem? You’re probably not the first to notice, so you could be doing them a favor by bringing it up. The key is proceeding with tact—sometimes humor, sometimes concern. Talk to them face-to-face and privately, don’t approach the conversation with disgust, and use a line that meshes with how you typically interact with that person.
We asked experts exactly what to say when you feel compelled to bring up someone’s hygiene but want to avoid offending them forever.
“Is that your BO or mine?”
If etiquette expert Sara Jane Ho notices a funky odor, she raises her arms and starts sniffing her armpits—a signal to her friend to do the same. Then she offers a solution: “I smile and I’m like, ‘You know what, I use this great deodorant—I was having a lot of issues and now it’s cleared up. Do you want to give it a try?’”
By considering the possibility that the culprit could be either your or your friend’s body odor, you’re making it clear there’s no reason for awkwardness. After all, “Everybody has some form of BO,” says Ho, who’s the host of Netflix’s Mind Your Manners.
“Babe, we’re washing your sheets.”
Most people do not wash their sheets as often as they should. If you’re spending time in someone’s bed and begin to suspect that laundry day hasn’t rolled around in a while, be direct. Take the lead on tossing grimy bedding into the washing machine, Ho advises, because “if you’re also sleeping in those sheets, you have a say.”
Read More: How Often Do You Really Need to Wash Your Sheets?
Another idea is to gift your partner a new set of sheets, says etiquette coach Akilah Siti Easter. Frame it as prioritizing comfort: “I found this fabric that I love to sleep in, so how about we try these?” Then, model the behavior you’d like to see, she suggests: Every week, initiate washing the sheets, and soon, it’ll become part of your partner’s routine, too.
“You have a little spaghetti stain on your shirt.”
The trick to letting a friend know she has stains on her shirt is to slip it into the conversation. In between detailing your weekend plans and the show you’re binge-watching, toss in a quick aside: “Oh, by the way, you have some stains on your shirt.” “The point is you don’t want to dwell on it, because that’s when the other person gets embarrassed,” Ho says. “If you just throw it in casually and then divert attention right back to what you were saying, it’s not a big deal.” Don’t change your tone of voice when you address it, she adds, and make sure to linger on the subject for mere seconds, not minutes.
“I want to go brush my teeth because I had raw onions today.”
If you sense your romantic partner is about to lean in for a smooch—and you also get the feeling they loaded up on garlic that day—model the kind of behavior you’d like to see. Easter suggests popping up and declaring that you’re going to brush your teeth because you had a hummus sandwich or drank a lot of coffee earlier. Hopefully, your paramour will take a hint and follow suit.
“If you’re at the level where you’re intimate with that person, there should be a level of comfort where you can have those types of conversations,” she says. “But I’ve seen relationships where people don’t talk about anything—which is amazing to me.”
“We’re not sharing food now!”
One of Easter’s pet peeves is when people lick their fingers or play with their hair at the dinner table. When that happens, she usually points out—politely, in a lighthearted tone—that she no longer wants to share the communal food with them. Or, she might ask: “You’re not going to touch the food now, are you?” That helps their faux pas click into focus, because often, it’s a mindless habit that doesn’t even register. “People don’t realize they’re doing it,” she says.
“Did you switch deodorants recently? Whatever you’re using might not be holding up.”
By focusing on a faulty product, rather than the person who smells, you’re less likely to ruffle any feathers, says etiquette expert Richie Frieman. Letting your friend know their deodorant is a little weak is a direct but still polite way to encourage them to freshen up. As a cologne lover, Frieman also often asks people what scent they wear.
Read More: How to Respond to an Insult, According to Therapists
Sometimes, if he thinks they could really benefit, he’ll add: “I just tried this new one—it’s amazing. I’m trying to convert everyone.” Then he offers them a sample. “Keep it light and positive,” he advises. “You’re not accusing—you’re sharing.”
“Let’s wash our hands before we start cooking.”
Perhaps it’s come to your attention that your friend doesn’t wash their hands as often as you’d expect. One night when you’re making dinner together, pointedly suggest that you wash your hands first. “Say it out loud, so it becomes, ‘Oh, this is the thing we do,’” Moore says. “Sometimes people weren’t taught proper hygiene, so they just don’t think about it. It’s not like they’re trying to avoid washing their hands—the thought has just not crossed their minds.”
“Do you have a secret allergy to soap I didn’t know about?”
Depending on how you and your friend usually interact, playful banter might be the best way in. Aside from asking about a soap allergy, Frieman has used this lighthearted query: “So…was your New Year’s Resolution to avoid hygiene altogether?” “The key is to keep it banter-filled but clear,” he says. “You’re not being cruel. Friends don’t let friends funk in silence.”
“I care about you and want to be sure you’re OK.”
If you notice a friend rarely showers or bathes, check in with them—there could be something going on related to their mental health or a physical disability. Approach the conversation with compassion, Moore advises. You might say: “I know sometimes when people get depressed, this becomes an issue, and I’m noticing this might be true for you. Are you feeling OK?”
Read More: 15 Things to Say When Someone Comments on Your Weight
It’s possible you’ll learn that your friend is in a situation they may be keeping secret—that they’re living in their car and don’t have a place to shower, for instance—in which case you could see if they want to pop by your house in the mornings, or point them to a gym that’s running a special where the first month is free and includes shower access. “You don’t have to offer everything,” she says, “but you can offer some things.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com