When something so awkward happens that you can only stare at the ground, hoping it will open up and swallow you, saving you from the cringe, the best thing you can do is…call more attention to it. Yes, really.
That means uttering these four words: “Well, that was awkward!” Or: “That was certainly honest!” In addition to acknowledging the inappropriate or uncomfortable comment and framing it as something positive—the truth—you’re signaling your desire to change the course of the conversation, says Jenny Shields, a psychologist in Houston. The approach works in all sorts of scenarios: farting in polite company, blurting out an “I love you” that takes the recipient aback, enthusiastically waving back at someone who was actually greeting the person behind you, showing someone a cat pic on your phone and accidentally swiping to a nude, and whatever other faux pas you can conjure in your mind’s darkest places.
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“We think ignoring it is going to make it go away,” she adds. “But when you ignore it, it’s like holding your breath. And with just a few words, you can release that tension so everybody else around you can take a deep breath, too.”
A universal phenomenon
No one is immune to the whole-body shivers of shame caused by awkwardness, including the high-performing professionals Shields works with. “They can handle a boardroom, they can handle life-and-death decisions, but if you put them in an awkward silence, they get squirmy and want to disappear,” she says. “That’s how universal this is—everyone feels it.”
There’s a biological explanation for how excruciating awkward situations feel. It’s human nature to want to fit in, Shields says, so when you say something that isn’t received the way you thought it would be, your brain enters the danger zone. “Your body doesn’t necessarily know the difference between you being chased by a lion and you blurting something out that was super cringey at dinner,” she says. “To your body, that feels like a threat, so your heart races and you want to disappear.” That’s why you physically react in the same way you would in any other type of threatening situation—whether you were the one who said the awkward thing, or your secondhand embarrassment is so strong, you might as well have been.
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The key to diffusing the tension is to speak up and acknowledge what just happened, so it’s no longer the elephant in the room. “Awkwardness lives in silence,” Shields says. “The natural inclination is to hide or sink into the ground, but the second you can name it—with a little humor and empathy—you disarm it.”
Channel your inner comedian
Humor is one of the best antidotes to awkwardness. In the most cringe moments, the stakes feel really high—and that emotional intensity can make you exaggerate the importance of what happened. “Humor helps minimize and normalize the true level of importance of this fleeting moment in a person’s life,” says Seth Meyers, a psychologist (not the comedian) in Los Angeles.
To help make everyone feel at ease, start laughing, he says, and with perfect comedic timing, declare: “And … scene!” You could also opt for a smiling “Is anyone else mortified?!” or “I’m going to suggest some deep breaths are in order.”
If you’re still feeling awkward, even after a good laugh, practice some positive self-talk, Meyers advises. You might repeat to yourself, for example: “This too shall pass,” “I’m not the only one this has ever happened to,” or “I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t have an occasional awkward moment.”
Give others (or yourself) an exit
Even if you’re simply an uncomfortable bystander in an awkward situation, you can give the person at the center of it “a life raft,” Shields says.
One of her favorite ways to do that: If a colleague accidentally loops in the entire office on a private email, pop up from your cubicle, grin, and say, “Thanks for saving us from the small talk!” That flips the script by turning discomfort into a gift, making the person who said the awkward thing feel less exposed. You could also opt for: “We’ve all been there,” which turns it into a shared experience, or “Let’s just pretend that didn’t happen.” A cheerful “Well! Anyway!” can also redirect the conversation in a light-hearted way—certainly to the immense gratitude of the person you’re rescuing.
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Flip your perspective on awkward moments, too, and consider them a way to strengthen relationships. “Yes, awkward moments are uncomfortable, but they’re also hidden opportunities,” Shields says. “If you can approach an awkward moment with kindness or humor, you take what could have been shame and turn it into belonging. It becomes a bridge or an opportunity for human connection.”
Wondering what to say in a tricky social situation? Email timetotalk@time.com